Take a Glance at the Opening Monologue and Chapter 1 of WHO WILL SAVE THE LITTLE GIRL?

Read powerful messages from celebrity women featured in Saving Our Daughters, Vol. 5 concerning the growing epidemic of bullying that teen girls are facing today.

“I kept things inside when I was growing up,” Ms. Jackson writes. “Don’t do that. Find someone you can trust. And talk. That is when it started to get better for me: when I found someone that I could talk to.”

Gifted singer, songwriter and actress Tiffany Evans, from Music World Entertainment/Columbia Records, is also lending personal insight as she contributes her own special chapter about abuse and bullying entitled “My Diary.”

“Know that life isn’t always easy and sometimes your character will be tested,” she says. “Believe in yourself; it will make you stronger.”

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OPENING MONOLOGUE

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FOREWORD

To Whom It May Concern:

I was very small when I was a teenage girl and was picked on and bullied constantly. My teenage years were actually the lowest point of my life, and sometimes I just wanted to die. I began to have this constant fear whenever I had to go to school or whenever I knew I might come in contact with these bullying girls. Now as an adult looking back I would tell “my teenage self” and present this quote to all teen girls facing this trauma…

It is your birthright to be treated with dignity and self-respect, but whatever we fear is what we attract… whatever we project and perceive is what manifests in our lives.

Bullies are threatened by fearless, confident girls…Consider your birthright, dig deep, find that self-confidence and fearlessness within…and bullies be gone.

Sincerely,

~ Actress Debbi Morgan

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To Whom It May Concern:

Gracing us with her words and her wisdoms to this volume of Saving Our Daughter is the phenomenal woman, best-selling author, memoirist, civil rights activist, producer and director, Dr. Maya Angelou, delivering to our daughters a heartfelt and healing reflection of hope and perseverance through troubling times.

The Saving Our Daughters Series is now set to address the serious issue of bullying within the teen girl population, a topic that is affecting thousands of families across the country at an alarming rate.  This edition will take a long look into the struggles of teen girls who are bullied while providing a twist of insight into this growing epidemic in their letters.

We will also delve into the past lives of the predator and the victim’s world, as they write their letters now as young women; all having suffered with this mental disease of bullying at an earlier age.  Be prepared to be awestruck by the letters of these women; as they have struggled in their lives with the consequences of what they have done in the past – causing havoc and sometimes death to their peers.

As our subtitle reads: who will save the little girl…?

After my introduction, Life Coach, Dr. Tartt, will have a very confrontational meeting with a bully who had been terrorizing others girls from her school. But was she the really the problem? The series will once again utilize the expertise and wisdom of Psychologist Dr. Clark Ed.D., LPC who leads off Act One with an overwhelming response to a mother who has been devastated by the violent actions of bullying and now is asking why?  Dr. Clark also provides insightful responses to letters from teenage girls in Act Three, helping to shed some light for these women as they get older.

Many other influential women in film will deliver their reflections on this sensitive subject, such as: actresses Malinda Williams, Debbi Morgan, Nicole Ari Parker, Irma P. Hall, Jenifer Lewis, Melissa De Sousa and the young and talented, Hope Olaide Wilson (who starred as the powerful 16 year old Jennifer, in Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself).

Singer/actress Tiffany Evans already made a statement in her video and album ”I’ll Be There” where people including herself are writing down words of  “Betrayed”, “Despised” and “Flawed” on their palms  to speak out about what they are going through in their lives. In Act Four, “My Diary”, Tiffany will continue this journey by expressing her reflection on some of her life experiences she dealt with as a young teen.

It is my hope that the letters you are about to read will not only shock you but also move you.  Believe me when I say they contain surprise endings for everyone involved.

Sincerely

Curtis J. Benjamin
Author/Activist/Counselor/Husband/Father

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To Whom It May Concern:

I learned an important lesson about bullying from an eleven year old girl named Stacy. By the time she was referred to me for counseling, Stacy had already been suspended from school four times within one month for bullying other children. Stacy would not only bully girls but really enjoyed bullying boys, even ones who were bigger and stronger than she was. What Stacy lacked in size she more than made up for in meanness and boldness. She fought at the drop of a dime and with a win at all cost mentality. Appearing to have no fear, she often had to be pulled off of her victims even after they had given up.

Stacy’s bullying had become so out of control that she was not allowed to walk home until fifteen minutes after the bell rang to protect the other kids. After speaking with the school social worker and hearing these horrific stories about Stacy, I decided I wanted to meet her to find out why she bullied and what I could do to stop it. What I found out changed my perspective on bullying for the rest of my life. Before you read about my work with Stacy, I caution you to never judge a book by its cover.

I met Stacy one day after school in my office. She was accompanied by her grandmother who walked with a cane but, surprisingly, not a limp. In fact, she walked rather quickly and bounced up the steps with amazing ease for someone her age. To my surprise, Stacy was pretty, polite, and rather girly. In fact, she wore long nails that were well cared for and manicured and was dressed in stylish jeans and designer top. She didn’t match the image of this menacing bully that the school reported.

I decided to engage her in conversation over a game of UNO in my office to make her more comfortable. After losing four hands in a row and interacting with a highly social and very mature eleven year old, I couldn’t help but think, “How could this sweet little girl be a bully?” So I asked, “Stacy, why do you bully other children?”
Stacy responded with coldness that I have never seen in such a young girl. She made direct eye contact that felt challenging and disrespectful and answered, “Because they deserve it.”

“What do you mean? What makes someone deserve bullying?”

“Because they look at me like I’m crazy just like you are right now. If people would just stop looking at me that way, maybe they wouldn’t get their tail whooped.”

Her tone was disrespectful and she seemed to be daring (actually double daring) me to challenge her. So, I gave Stacy what she wanted and did just that. “Stacy, I hear you but these school reports say otherwise. They say that you slapped a kid just yesterday simply for just looking at you.”

“That’s true,’ she smiled, “He shouldn’t have been looking at me.”

“What’s wrong with looking at someone? Is that a crime and why are you smiling?” I queried.

“I’m not smiling. I’m smirking…just the way he did. You don’t like it do you?”

I ignored her because I saw that she was very adept at challenging authority and was noticeably becoming agitated. It felt as if she actually wanted me to physically challenge her. She showed no signs of fear and never dropped her eye contact. She was showing me the bully the school described right before my eyes and I felt like a victim. I was caught off guard but made sure I stuck to the plan of questioning her about her misbehavior.

“Stacy, this report says that the boy was sitting three rows behind you. How could you possibly know if he was looking at you or not?”

“I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck and when I turned around he was looking right at me. So, I asked him what he was looking at and he said you. Then I back-hand slapped him right out of his seat.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I told you already. He was looking at me.”

After numerous rounds of asking the same questions and getting the same answers I decided to speak with her grandmother alone. I asked Stacy to wait in the lobby and, to my surprise; she got upset and slammed her cards on the table. She yelled, “Fine then”, and stormed out of the office. I asked her grandmother to give me some background on Stacy. What she told me both shocked and appalled me.

Stacy had been residing with her grandmother for the past four years after suffering years of physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect from her biological parents, both of whom were drug addicts. She told me that Stacy had been beaten over thirty times by her father but rarely cried or backed down. She would fight her father until she passed out with exhaustion or until she was knocked out. Her parents would keep her out of school until she healed and then dress her really nicely (hair, makeup, fake nails) to hide any remaining signs of abuse. Stacy never told.

All of a sudden Stacy’s interaction, style and behavior began to make sense but still something felt strange and eerily rehearsed. I thanked the grandmother and then asked Stacy to rejoin me. At first she refused but when I challenged her she responded as expected. “Stacy, if you are scared to lose in UNO, just say so…it’s cool.” She smirked, walked into the office and grabbed the cards that were still on the floor.

“Last time I checked Doc, you were the one who was getting beaten but if you want some more I’ll give it to you and give to you good this time”, she replied.

Her words were chilling, especially in light of learning her abuse history. “Stacy, why didn’t you tell me that your parents used to beat you,” I asked?

“You didn’t ask…my grandmother told you that, huh?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“What else did she tell you,” Stacy asked with a look of anger.

“She told me how your parents were addicted to drugs, didn’t take good care of you and made you miss school a lot and look like a doll to hide the abuse.”

With tears in her eyes that she fought to hold back she asked, “What else did she tell you?”

I got the sense that Stacy wanted to tell me something more so I asked her a leading question, “What did grandmother not tell me”?

Stacy pulled up her pants leg and showed me a purple bruise on her thigh that looked like a mark from long stick.

“How did you get that?” I asked with a look a rage.

Stacy did not respond but obviously wanted me to guess.

“Your dad?”

Nope.

“Your mom?”

Nope.

“Who then?”

Stacy looked at me as if I already knew the answer.

“Not your grandmother!”

“Yep…with that cane. She hits me with that cane almost everyday. She doesn’t need it to walk. She calls it her ‘reinforcement’ in case I decide to fight her back. I never hit her back though because she’s my grandmother and I would probably hurt her. Besides, who would I live with if she gets in trouble?”

I was shocked, angry and disbelieving at the same time. I asked Stacy why she never told anyone and then remembered her dilemma. Who would take care of her? I asked her why she decided to tell me. Her answer was simple yet surprising.

“Because you asked and you let me win in UNO…I saw those Draw Fours in your hand but you faked liked you couldn’t go and let me win.”

“You saw that huh? I guess I’ll have to keep my hand a little closer next time.”

Stacy smiled and looked at my desk behind me. I turned around and started to laugh myself. I had a picture on the wall that showed Stacy my entire hand in the reflection. We shared a laugh and then I prepared Stacy for what was about to happen. “Stacy, you do realize that I have to report this abuse to the authorities and that I can’t let you go home with your grandmother today, right?”

“My grandmother already told me”, Stacy replied.

I was confused. “How could she already tell you?”

“She told me that if I told the doctor that she beat me that I would be taken away.”

Now furious, I dismissed Stacy to an adjacent office with a colleague so that I could confront grandma. However, when I opened the door to the lobby, she was long gone. All that remained were two garbage bags full of Stacy’s clothes, school books and a note. It read:

Dear Doc,

I knew my granddaughter would tell you about me beating her. It’s true. It’s why I brought her to your clinic. I have problems and beating Stacy is the only thing I know to do to stop her from bullying other kids in school. Besides, she’s getting bigger and I know that one of us will soon hurt one another. Don’t bother trying to find me because I’m already gone and won’t return to the city. Please find a good foster home for Stacy and let her know that I love her.

- Grandma

P.S – Be careful, Stacy cheats in UNO.

I was shocked, saddened and relieved. I grabbed her belongings and placed them in my office and prayed about what I was going to tell Stacey. My prayer was interrupted by a knock on the door. It was my colleague who wanted to share something with me. She told me that Stacy saw her grandmother get on the bus from the window in the office and was crying. I consoled Stacy and reassured her that she did the right thing by telling me and then showed her the letter. Stacy cried for two hours in my office before social services arrived to pick her up and place her in foster care.

That was a day that I will never forget that taught me some valuable life lessons.

The first lesson is to never judge a book by its cover. Stacy was both a bully and a victim of bullying. We must ensure that we determine what causes people to bully and treat the source versus the reaction to a problem.

The second lesson is that hurt people hurt people. Bullies are often victims of various forms of physical, sexual, emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc. Their behavior is a reflection of the circumstances in their own lives. How else could they relate with feeling powerless, helpless and feeling “no love”? In many ways, their behavior is a projective response. They are in pain and want others to feel what they are feeling. Secretly, however, they wish to draw negative attention so that the real bully can be exposed. The irony is that bullies tend to take on the personality of the very people they dislike.

This was the case with Stacy who I worked with for another year after her placement in foster care. She revealed that her father used to get drunk and just stare at her. When Stacy would make eye contact, her dad would get furious and beat her for being “disrespectful”. Stacy, like many bullies, was just a victim wearing a disguise and mask of a bully. In turn, she was not living her life and was miserable.

In closing, my message to bullies is simple: Don’t do what Stacy did. Instead, fight back by taking a stand not continuing the cycle. Tell someone that you have been violated and let the perpetrators of your abuse be punished appropriately. It would truly be tragic if you were to allow what happened to you against your will to, in turn, become your will to purposely hurt others. Bullying causes suicide, depression, and rage in others. Be strong and decide to be who you really are…a victor with the courage to tell, stand tall, stop the cycle and live YOUR life, not your bullies!

I love you…

Sincerely,

Dr. Alduan Tartt
Positive Psychologist

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ACT I
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
MY PLEA

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“Find someone you can trust, and talk. That is when it started to get better for me, when I found someone that I could talk to.”

~ Grammy Singer/Actress Janet Jackson

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To Whom It May Concern:

I am the mother of a murdered child.  My child was killed on November 7, 2010 at the hands of four teenage boys; four boys that bullied my child until death.  Losing a child is the most painful experience any mother could ever go through.  I felt as though my life has stopped.  The future I imagined for my child and the future I imagined of me enjoying my child’s future was shattered to pieces with no hope of putting those pieces back together.  How can a body that was whole now function without a right arm…without a left leg…without a soul?  It is unfathomable and my best friend that I loved so much and depended on to love me unconditionally everyday has been replaced with loneliness, anger and a pain so intense that I question my own existence now that my child is gone.  I have to get through it for my daughter, my family, my own life…but how?  Where did I go wrong? Why is God punishing me and why did He use my child’s death as my punishment?  Why did they choose my child to bully…because of his size? Because of his bright light that intimidated them? My child would have never hurt anyone.  My child did not deserve this!

I am still grieving as my child’s death is so new.  Right now it is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know my child is with God and is safe now and will never worry or feel pain again.  My child is an Angel in Heaven…as he was here on earth with me.  I am so thankful for the eighteen years that God blessed me with to share with my child…but I want him back!  It is not fair that Bobby’s life was snatched from him!  It is not fair that my child will never get married or graduate from college or enjoy the life he earned to have in abundance…My child was robbed of their future! Why did God allow my child to die?  Why did He allow the devil to destroy my family and leave a mother without her child, a sister without a sibling, loved ones and friends without a loving Angel and a loyal and strong friend? I am angry that my child was chosen at random to be bullied; however I refuse to focus on the negative when my son was full of love and peace.  My energy will be given to my child, to the beautiful life he lived…to the positive.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel and I will emerge as a warrior for my own purpose here on earth. There is a purpose and lesson in my child’s death…there is purpose in all of our lives.  We can heal from our fallen loved ones.  Counseling is helping me to take each day as it comes.

Talking about all of the emotions we experience from anger, disappointment, pain, joy, and then pain again will allow us to begin our healing.  Each day I make it through is an accomplishment while I live in this bubble of grief.  But know there is hope!  There is happiness in the love you feel for your loved one that has transcended.

With prayer you will be able to concentrate on celebrating your loved one’s life instead of mourning his/her death.  God will bless you with a new normal that includes your loved one’s memories and love, and also strength for you to go on in your journey with calmness and peace.

Sincerely,

A Mother’s Plea to Bullies

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“My Father said that building a wall around myself would indeed keep others from getting in to me but I couldn’t get out.  By closing off others I was closing out love and valuable instruction.  My Mother said that life is indeed about service and cooperation.  We learn through give and take.”

~ Actress Irma P. Hall

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To A Mother’s Plea to Bullies:

To the parents who say to themselves, “I’m glad it wasn’t my child” or “my child would never do anything like that,” don’t be so sanctimonious.  If your child was present during this murder, you bear part of the blame.  Why, you ask?  Because you taught them how not to care. They learned to numb out the spirit of compassion from you.  “Mind your own business!”  Isn’t that what we tell our children?  What happens to someone else is not your business! Remember those words?

Well, for parents who complain that their child NEVER listens to them, you were wrong.  They do listen.  And the message received loud and clear that horrible night was “mercy is conditional!” There were a large number of adolescents present during this time!  Four teenagers, four adolescent bullies attacked this child while a number of adolescents certainly greater than four, stood by, silently, deliberately doing nothing…huddled together with trembling souls and voided spirits; ignoring the spirit of compassion that was begging them, any one of them or all of them to do something. At the very least, the cries of this beaten child were pleading for someone, anyone,” please, help me!”  Four teenage boys were able to prevent all of those strong, confident, able-bodied adolescents from helping this child.

I have to ask this question otherwise, I will blow a gasket.

To the other teenagers who stood by, walked by, whispering to each other, placating your own thoughts against what you were seeing, even laughing about what was happening…why didn’t YOU help the child?

This child did not have to die on this day.   How many cries and how loudly must he have cried out before he was set free from the venom and brutality of these bullies by a merciful God? Instead of huddling in groups like frightened sheep watching wolves devour one of your own, you should have found your strength in sheer numbers and forced those attackers into submission.  Instead, you allowed fear to suffocate compassion and pretended you were as helpless as that beaten child.

While everyone was focusing on the brutality like this was some form of entertainment, you didn’t think to find your strength in numbers and put yourselves between these killers and their victim. And a child paid with his life for this level of indifference.  This cannot be allowed to happen again. It simply cannot.

To the mother, I, as a person, am rendered speechless by your words.  My capacity to see into the depths of your abysmal pain is limited by inexperience; but my compassion to grasp its meaning is eternal.  I hurt for you.  No parent should have to bury their child and I wish there were something I could do to stop you from hurting.  But finding no recourse, at the very least, I can embrace your pain as if it were my own and walk this dark and beaten path with you until you are healed.  Your letter was so painful that I had to put it down several times because I could not see through my tears.  I hear you, my sister. We all do. What happened to your child defies both logic and humanity.  And I truly understand the depths from which you cry out to God asking Him, why did you let this happen?  Why did you choose MY child to die like this? And to use your words, “Where did I go wrong?”  “Why did you use his death to punish me?” I don’t have the answers to all of your questions.  All I have is a humble opinion. God is not the author of destruction; mankind is.

Four teenagers’ chosen decision to abuse their power of choice led to the destruction of your child. They alone are responsible for your son’s death, not God.  There is a parallel at work that often goes unnoticed in times of grief.  God, the giver of life is so awesome in his repose and so complete in His presence, that we expect that he will control death.  And then there is man, the trusted servant and keeper of His spirit, who often will follow the dictates of evil, silencing His voice to their own destruction.

The criminal mind sets its own trap and for the four criminals who killed your child, their trap will be eternal starting from the moment they murdered your child. And when their time on this side is over, before they can “have a word with God,” they will reap harvests of the pain and suffering they caused you and your family, while here on earth and in eternity.

This much, I understand.  You asked, “Where did I go wrong?”  You did nothing wrong.  You raised your child to personify the beauty of Christ, which you did to the bitter end.  The Great Spirit that is your child’s, like Christ, suffered an injustice rather than commit one.  And as God would have it, your child now whispers to you from eternity, “Mom, I am with God, now. I am alive and well, safe with Jesus.”   Some pains are so deeply rooted that recovering can make the heart feel like it’s being shredded. This is one of them. But time heals all wounds; and hope lights up all darkened journeys.  Love simply overcomes the darkness.  Stay strong, my sister.

We love you like you loved your child. As faithful servants of the Most High, lean on those of us who care, and please, allow us to help God, help you, to find the peace you seek.  And until the end of this endless journey, when you’ve done all that you can, just stand.  Be at Peace.

And to the bullies, your crime is so horrendous, most people run out of words, can’t find the right words, or simply become muted for what you have done.  I experienced all of these.  But somehow I found my voice in spite of the pain and I need to speak.  I have been trying to make sense of this and I can’t.  Even as a professional who is supposed to have all of the answers, I am stunned by my own silence.

But I have so many questions.  What do you think your own families are dealing with right now?  What are their opinions about what you have done? Did your families raise you this way? Have any of you ever asked yourself, “What have I done?”  Well, let me tell you what I know. You killed another human being.  Do you understand? A person’s life is gone, stopped, ended, because you beat and stomped him to death.  Think about this for a moment:  This was a mother’s child, a grandchild, sibling, cousin, nephew, student, and friend, one of God’s children… Can you even understand with your heart the devastation you have created in the lives of everyone this child’s life was a part of?  Do you want to? Are you even capable of feeling at all? You murdered this child and their future children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. All of these will never have the chance to be born because of you.  You interfered with God’s plan for this child’s life.  You made a bad choice when you made peace with fear.  Yours was an agreement that was destined to have devastating consequences.

Fear is healthy when it is used to heal. But when fear is used to destroy, innocent people can get stuck in its gravity.  When you made peace with fear, you became a tyrant; compliant with everything the spirit of fear has to offer, including violence, death and destruction. A person caught in the decision-making of uncontrolled fear is a life in chaos and you brought your chaotic life into a collision course with an innocent person.  You chose a victim at random.  Who does that? Cowards!  Cowards do this all the time because they fear looking stupid due to poor communication skills.

You chose to physically attack someone for no reason.  I don’t care how you try to explain what you did, there will never be an excuse good enough to justify why you forced another person to die so you could feel both angry and powerful at that same time.  Tell me, how many blows from your bloodied fists did it take before that child paid the price for your anger?  How many kicks and stomps forced onto his broken body did it take to satisfy your lust for power? Why did you ignore his pleas for you stop? Was his life the only price acceptable for his freedom from you?  You did not have to kill him.

Are you happy now?  Since you have deemed yourselves so powerful, deciding who should live and who dies, put all of us out of our misery and bring this child back to us.  Now that he has paid the ultimate price so that you could raise your self-esteem, pretend to be God one more time and BRING HIM BACK!

This child was enjoying his life at the same time you hated yours.  Why did this child have to pay with their life, for your self-hatred? You unleashed violent rage against someone who could not fight back by themselves; abusing the vulnerability of a child who was not responsible for you, your anger or your happiness.  Some people hate you, all of you.  In our minds, you are monsters. And now, a mother’s worst nightmare has escaped into reality.  Some people hate you because the child you murdered belonged to all of us.  When you killed this child, you hurt us all.  Self-hatred already defines you because you cannot treat an innocent life so hatefully without first hating your own.  Most criminals commit their crime under cloak of darkness or outside of view.  Do you know what is almost unthinkable? You beat and stomped the life out of this child in the presence of many on-lookers.

The fact that you felt comfortable enough to attack this child out in the open, without fear of reprisal or intervention, speaks disturbing volumes.  It’s like you EXPECTED people not to come to this child’s rescue; yet not out of fear for themselves, but because you knew the crowd would automatically assume that this child DESERVED the beating you imposed upon him.  You expected everyone present to think like you.

At some point in your pathetic lives, you have got to get it in your brain that other people are not responsible for making you feel good about yourself.  You will reap the consequences of murdering this child, in this life and in the next.  This child has paid the ultimate price for your stupidity and your happiness; they deserve an answer and just saying “I was a bully whose behavior got out of control,” will not be good enough.

I will sum up the bullying experience with four very simple words:  Hurt people hurt people.  These letters are absolutely heartbreaking.  All of these stories spew from deep psychological and emotional wounds that were opened long before either the victims or the bullies themselves knew what to call their pain.

Bullying behavior starts at a very young age, usually around two.  Think about something:  if a child’s behavior is out of control, his or her emotions probably are too. Children that young have a very limited vocabulary. They will feel their experiences before they know what to call it.  Often times, they will act the way they feel. Something has affected the existence of this child’s spirit to the point of motivating an action based on how they feel.

The “normal” process is if a child feels badly, they will act badly.  If a child feels good, he will act in a positive manner. The significant others within the child’s environment have to help them navigate emotional responses, especially when under stress. What tends to happen is that significant influences, usually someone the child tends to rely on for matters of basic survival, don’t handle stress well themselves.  Stress can be any situation that pulls a person out of their comfort zone.  If a child is in an environment where his father beats his mother, the initial emotional response at an age of limited vocabulary will be FEAR.

What bullies do is find a way to be at peace with fear. Since feeling vulnerable makes the soul feel naked and unprotected, they will often use violence as a buffer to avoid feeling vulnerable.  They will often choose a victim that inspires, reflects, or seems to represent emotions they need, hate and envy, as a target for their rage.  And they will often use violence against someone, in order to keep from feeling helpless at not knowing how to find peace for themselves.  A person who sustains prolonged bullying behavior can, over time, eventually become numb to compassion. This can escalate to the point of not caring and can spiral into sociopathic behaviors, which they mistakenly embrace as power.

Bullies often suffer from tremendous deficits in how to show compassion without feeling fearful of being violated themselves.  With bullies, you have several mortal vices and virtues working against each other in the extreme.  Where love, peace and need inspires feelings of vulnerability, the bully will resort to fear and abuse or cause harm to someone in order to get their way.  The bully, often motivated by unrestricted anger, sometimes chooses fear, abuse, or causing harm as their primary responses to everything outside of their control.

A sad footnote, however, is that both the bully and their victim suffer from emotional and psychological wounds. The bully’s paradigm usually includes a “willing” victim somewhere in their history. They may have grown up watching someone they care about get abused, harmed or treated badly.  They internalize the abuser as powerful and the abused as a source of achieving that power.  Most bullies do not see a “victim;” they see vulnerable people as a source of power and their opportunity to gain that power.  There is evidence that bullying behavior is learned behavior.

As parents, caregivers, or significant influences, we have to know ourselves before we can advise a child on his or her own evolution. Otherwise, we run the risk of teaching them to behave and act from our own bad behaviors, while insisting that they always do the right thing. Children will do what we do, more often then they will do what we say.  So when there is inconsistency in how vulnerabilities are developed, supported, or protected in children, mixed with dishonesty from an unexamined life of the adults charged with their care, expect chaos.  A bully is a life in absolute chaos; emotionally, mentally and psychologically and they vicariously transfer that chaos to someone else when they abuse others.

One of the ways to break the spirit of bullying is to understand what it means to love your self and then teach children to love themselves.  This, too, is vicarious.  Having said all of that, I am not making excuses for bullying behavior.  I wanted to give a summarized opinion of its origin.

This short explanation does not mean bullies are to be treated with kid gloves.  Quite the opposite.  The contents of this book are not for the faint of heart or people who can’t handle the truth in raw form.  The words are hard-hitting and uncompromisingly painful.  It has to be this way for several reasons.  The main one being this:  Innocent people are dying because people are bullying other people to death.

Children as young as 3 years old are attacking infants; gangs of adolescents are attacking and even killing other adolescents for no other reason than to feel powerful; teenage boys are beating their teenage girlfriends to death; adolescent girls are forcing other teenage girls into committing suicide, sometimes with the participation of parents; and children are committing suicide because they just couldn’t live in agony any longer. All of this is because of a bully and their out-of-control behaviors.
The demands for stopping this kind of behavior must be spoken with words as harsh as death itself so that people will understand the seriousness of this horrible behavior.  What kind of society are we becoming when teenagers stand by and watch and gossip as a group of bullying teenagers beat and stomp a child to death? What will these teenagers teach their own children about this kind of behavior?

When are we going to stop making excuses for this kind of behavior? When are we going to stop running from bullies and force them to retrain themselves to act civilized?  Every time a child dies or commits suicide to escape a bully, a generation dies with them.  This is too high a price to pay for the evil antics of a few.

As a human race, we cannot afford to lose ourselves or our humanity to something that can be easily changed, subdued or transformed.  And as people of God, we have a responsibility to end this scourge of evil that bullying has brought upon us by stopping this kind of behavior wherever we find it.

Be at Peace.

Sincerely,

Dr. Clark

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